The summer isn’t all bad, of course. Girls wear fewer clothes (not a good thing in every case, admittedly) and from Friday we have the World Cup as an excuse to watch three football matches a day, but I can’t wait for autumn to roll around.

1. Hayfever – I always know when summer’s here because I start uncontrollably sneezing and resisting the need to scratch my eyes out, and start to spend the next few months on pills. What’s more, the non-drowsy pills don’t really work on me anymore so I have to choose between being grumpy because I’m sneezing and my eyes are watering or grumpy because I’m drowsy. Great.
2. No Games – Apparently during the summer some people like to go to this place called “outside” so we’re usually lucky to get one decent game every summer. I would have thought that no competition would have meant a great opening in the market to bring out at least a couple of big ones, but no…
3. Too Damn Hot – Would you rather freeze to death or burn to death? I’d rather freeze, and hence I can’t handle it being 30-40 degrees every day. I don’t know how I’d survive somewhere where it was like that every day. More than likely I wouldn’t. Sunburn probably falls into this category as well.
4. Kids – Children are like farts: you can’t stand anybody’s but your own. I get lulled into a false sense of security every summer since I finish in May and schools don’t kick out until the end of July, but until then I actually start to enjoy my time off. Then everyone decides to make my life as difficult as possible for a couple of months by – I’m sure – deliberately leaving their screaming and uncontrollable kids as close to me as possible.
5. Holidaymakers – Around the same time that the kids start appearing my quiet little seaside town is invaded by caravans and holidaymakers who descend on the town centre with their usual asinine question (“why aren’t these drinks cold?”/”because you just watched me put them in the chiller ten seconds ago, retard”) shtick. Being right on the south coast, I’m also apparently required to speak every language in Europe so that tourists don’t act surprised when I don’t.

Rant over. When people say that global warming is going to cause another ice age I don’t see it as a bad thing. Humanity survived it more than once, right?